Utils in Bat Country

Bumper Cars

I was up in NJ for the weekend and after my less than fun trip on the Del last time, I was hoping for a low key trip home. 

Alas.

One quirk of MD drivers is the predilection to not accelerating through turns. I've adapted enough and now just usually stay a decent amount back from the cars so instead of braking and accelerating all the time, I can coast and adjust as need be. 

I'm heading down 95 South yesterday afternoon with a fair bit of space between me and the car in front, even with heavy traffic (was driving in MI and a ladder flew off the back of a truck in front of me on the highway and I was far enough back to swerve lanes but ever since am wary). We came up to a curve and all of a sudden, I just see brake lights.  Most of the way down there'd been plenty of stop and starts but since I had adopted my coasting habit, I was able to avoid that part. This, however, was different. I slam on my brakes, watch the bumper of the car in front of me come up far too quickly, but am able to stop with a few feet to spare.

While stopping, I hear squealing tires, and wonder if it's mine so I glance left and see most of the cars in the left lane swerving into the sholder because they did not have enough distance to stop but that's not it. Look in the rearview mirror and it takes a minute to register that I'm watching a blue Mack truck with a smashed in front end maybe 200 feet back barrel up my lane before jack knifing across the left lane of traffic and crashing into the shoulder. Right behind me was a silver car, also with a smashed in front end that cut across traffic to get to the shoulder. Traffic in front of me moved again (no accident, no construction, nothing to justify the abrupt stoppage) and as I started driving I saw other cars pull off including a not involved truck so am hoping help was on the scene quickly.

Surreal. Scary.

Keep a decent distance between you and the other cars on the highway, kids. Bumper cars in real life is not a good thing to watch.

Dis(turbed) Harmony

I know I said I'd come back and tell you about Butterfly guy coming over to the apartment but then I went and saw him on Sunday and things took a wild turn from oddly bemusing to flat out creepy as all fuck get out run away run away and so I can't really talk about anything that happened prior to that without feeling the need to shower and I'd like to avoid any Silence of the Lambs skin suit type scenarios so, yeah, moving on.

Except not! Because I still have to email him and get across my point of never wanting to communicate ever again.

A, if you're reading, it was SO MUCH WORSE than anything we came up with at the shoot.

[For the record, I know I'm being wildly dramatic here and THANK GOD nothing happened where I felt for my physical safety (he didn't attack me or anything) but there is definitely something very, very wrong and when I summed up events to both my charming co-author and my extraordinarily level headed co-worker, they both immediately said yeah, you need to not see him again, ever.]

But, like a good getting back on the horse type person, I have another date tentatively scheduled with G, he who I can come up with no nickname for, and who is boringly normal (No! There is no normal! They are all crazy! Aaaaaagh!!!!!) and another guy that I'm supposed to email to set up something with.  Clearly, neither is really blowing my skirt up. I hadn't checked my matches in a few days so I went through a couple dozen last night and sent out questions to 5 people.  Way to go, me.  Except! Two of them archived me.  And after all the crap of Sunday, it's really pissing me off.  I'm aware that I'm a bit left of center when it comes to sanity but I am nowhere near the level of crazy that seems to be coming my way via this stupid EH business.  I'm normal(ish) and most people find me amusing and charming and is it really too much to ask for a date with someone else who is normal(ish) and who I find amusing and charming?  Apparently, it is.

Over. It.

What are you doing HERE?

Bmore is a city of roughly 7562 colleges and universities. OK, that might be slight exaggeration, but there are many. Hopkins, Loyola, College of Notre Dame of Maryland, Copping State, Morgan State, community colleges, surrounding county community colleges. We should be a very well educated city.

Should be. But that's another story for another day.

Suffice it to say that we get a lot of ejumakated folks at the restaurant. I'd hate to hazard a guess at what percentage of our clientele is college-educated, but let's put it like this: You have to be willing to eat raw fish* where I work. And many times that translates into a more educated crowd. Not always. But often.

More than once, more than twice, in fact at least once a month since we've started, the following scene has played out.

Me: [Pleasantries and whatnot, talking about food, answering questions]

Them: [It always goes roughly like this...] If you don't mind me [saying so/asking/making bold statements that might be offensive], you seem far too smart for a job like this. Shouldn't you be doing something else?

Me: [Launches into the 'almost a PhD' thing]

It's alternately very complimentary and very offensive. Who doesn't want to be told they sound smart from simply alerting people to the fact that a bucket of tater tots is 2.5 quarts? Then again, who wants to be told that their profession is 1) below them and 2) something they should be fighting to get out of? What if this was it for me? What if this is all I want out of life, all I ever aspired to? What if this was the only job I could get.

Oh. Wait. That last part is true.

And there it is, right? Serving food in a sushi bar WAS all I could get. Continues to be all I can get. While it's downright nice to have random strangers tell me I'm smart, it doesn't do me a damn bit of good. And it's kind of rude.

At least I don't sound like an idiot when I talk to people.

 

 

*Yes, it's true, we sell plenty of non-raw fish foods. I'm painting with a wide brush here, people.

The Good and the Bad

It would seem that my ability to have a string of good luck is gone. Just POOF. I used to have good luck all the time, and then it dried up like a tomato that's been in your fridge for WAY too long. And here I am. Let's look at the 'bad' and see what there is, shall we?

I am divorced, in my early 30s. I quit my 'good' job about a year ago, was unemployed for six months or so, got a job at a restaurant as a hostess. I had to borrow money to go along with the tax refund money I lived off of in order to pay my bills, but I squeaked by with enough to still have some enjoyment. I owe a couple of friends a pile of money, I still owe my lawyer from my divorce. My pickup truck would cost me $3k to get fixed, and the dealership is offering me less than $500 for it to sell. I have parking tickets that I need to fight with the city of Baltimore about (especially since the meter-maid person LIED on the tickets). I took my dog to the vet this morning for a limp, and to the tune of roughly $1k found out that she has a torn ligament and will need surgery. I've slept maybe eight hours in the last 48 hours, my dogs ate a book in my living room last night, my dishes haven't been done in probably a month, there's a giant hole in my comforter on my bed (also courtesy of the dogs), my washing machine only kind of works, my feet are cold, and it raining on my day off but going to be warm and sunny tomorrow when I have to work the entire day.

There? You see? It's not world-ending stuff, but golly gee willickers, can a bitch catch a break?

 

That said, while at the grocery store buying Doritos, Coke, and a salad to drown my sorrows in, I started smiling and making jokes with people. You know why?

Because I'm not a hostess anymore, but a server. A good one, who makes really good money on the job. I have A job, which is a Good Thing. I've met some extraordinary people at work, both coworkers and people from Bmore. I met the Guy there, and I'm glad to have him around. I have two dogs who love me, even if one of them is about to drain me of the little bit of fun money I was starting to acrue. While she's resting at the vet's office, the other dog alternates between snuggling up behind me on the couch, or finding her own place at the end of the couch and napping. I have this house, and unlike many folks, I've managed to come up with the money to pay for it for the last year. Along with the fancy car I drive, which I adore. I just bought (with real extra money) a new guitar that I've been saving for since roughly January. Paying for the dog came out of money on my kitchen table and the money I will get from the truck once I track down the title and get back to the dealership this afternoon. The service guy cut me a deal and nixed my diagnostic fee so that I can take home a little more money, and it can go straight to the dog. I've already made enough this month to pay my bills, so I've got the next week or so to make more for the dog's surgery. Yes, I'm tired, but I can sleep all day Thursday and Friday if I want. I just got a Sunnydale high school tshirt (yay Buffy!), I've got a ton of books to read, I've got my health (even if the dog doesn't), and I had Coke, Doritos, and a salad for lunch. 

I'd like to think that I'm going about all this as positively as I can.

Choices

My stupid leg is still being stupid.

I thought I was seeing signs of improvement, the NSAIDs were helping, in the mornings my ankle would be not swollen at all, happy day.

I don't know if it's a flare up, continuation, something entirely different but my condition appears to be regressing.  Swollen and painful to the touch at night, still present in the mornings.  Pain in both my legs, on the insides, up the whole length when I walk, except not all the time, not always both legs.  Now dealing with this for more than 3 months.

Ordinarily, one would say, hmmm perhaps this indicates I should return to the doctor.  And yet.

I just got in all the medical bills and after paying them, totaled up exactly what this stupid condition has cost me and it now contains a comma.  There's some wiggle room in the budget but not tons.  And, what allows  me to be putting off health decisions based on money, the last time I was at the doctor(s) they BOTH said eh, it'll go away on its own, there's really nothing we can do.  I have the (very expensive) biopsy results, they confirmed it was the EN.  While I do have typical anxiety moments that its has suddenly morphed into some sort of leg eating tumor of doom, barring my appearance on an episode of House, that seems unlikely.  The pain isn't too bad, just there.  Do I wait till I can't walk?  Till my physical in June?  Sure I didn't get the blood test but that was looking for the blood titres to see when the last time I had strep was to pinpoint the cause and to check for mono.  As I have no other symptoms, I decided the blood test was more of interesting information but would not hasten recovery so didn't spend the money (doing my part for the nation's health care costs?)

Is recovery hindered b/c my feet aren't up all the time and am dealing with the animals and general life?  Probably as it definitely looks/feels better in the mornings. 

Have basically chosen to not go back unless condition gets (dramatically) worse. 

Just hope I'm making the right one.

 

"You know they throw raw sewage in there, right?"

Thursday afternoon. It's about 90 degrees and partly sunny. There's not a lot going on in Fell's Point, Baltimore. Mostly because it's a Thursday afternoon and about 90 degrees.

What is going on? Me and a friend sitting at a wine bar on the water. Well, one of the offshoots of the harbor, actually. But it's a nice spot, nice bar, nice waitress on Thursdays, etc. So there we were. Sitting outside, drinking a bottle of some rose wine or another, minding our business and chatting.

Down at the end of the road, there is a splash. And the woman in the sailboat that's docked right outside the wine bar calls to a woman still standing on the sidewalk, "You know they throw raw sewage into the harbor, right?!"

We look out, and there's a dude. Swimming. In water that, not 20 minutes before we had joked that if someone fell into it, they would die of poisoning before drowning, because ZOMG is it brown and nasty looking. Nas-tay.

Dude is swimming around, doing whatever. And people have come outside of restaurants and businesses, because you just don't swim there. There aren't even any signs, because really, if you can walk upright you can tell you shouldn't swim in this nastiness. And third person comes along, another woman. And in she goes too. Followed by the woman who was already there.

A few more people come up, and at least one tries to explain how NASTY the water is, etc. These three are having none of it.

Whatever, they swim around and power to them for contracting Hep C in the foul waters off the street in Baltimore, you know?

Except someone says something they don't like, and they go nuts. They start yelling and then they start threatening people. Which is uncool to me. Don't get me wrong, when done properly, getting loud and obnoxious is an art form and can be hilarious. I can do it, and I know some other folk who can too. You have to know when to bow off the stage, but it can be flat out funny when done right.

These kids were not at all trying to do it right. They were motherfucking everyone and everything. But it was the threats that got me, mostly because I worried about them pushing someone else into the water.

And then? The dude got naked. Just dropped trou right there on the street. To change his pants, but seriously? I know a lot of people who will do a lot of things, but sewage water penis is not what I want to see while lounging around drinking my wine.

So I went inside and had the bar call the cops. Which is about as unlike me as possible, because people should do what they want, and say what they want and whatever. But, when I have to see your cock? Bad news, people.

The cops showed up quickly, had a long talk with the kids, and eventually the kids left. Not before calling me a bitch and telling me to fuck off. From across the street. Because, you know, even that boy wasn't stupid enough to say it to me closer. There WAS an empty wine bottle on my table.

But. Yuck. Just yuck.

Oh, my aching back

A few days ago, I noticed that the left side of my lower back would get a sharp pain in it whenever I moved or turned a certain way.  I figured I somehow pulled a muscle and didn't think much of it.  Day after that, it felt like the same area was really sore.  Yesterday, it felt better during the day but felt really stiff and just generally ouchy (I should be a writer on Grey's Anatomy).  Today, it was like my entire lower back was aching and now if I bend over like I'm touching my toes I get this sore pain on the left side again. 

Uh, wtf, back? 

Now I'm thinking that I've somehow managed to shred my kidney. D (later second opinion-ed by Wiki) tell me that my kidneys are actually pretty high up on the back so they're probably intact and well.

I go back and forth between trying to stretch it out and not wanting to exacerbate anything.  

It's medical mystery Tuesday!  

Am going back to laying on the couch now - yay Big Bang!  Take away my pain, Sheldon!

2009 in Review...

Oh look. Another post that I can steal from Steph.

I got new tattoos while I was back in Michigan, and I'd like to post one of them next in the ongoing Book of Tattoos. However, I don't yet have a picture of it. And so, it shall wait until next week. For now, I give you the answers to the same questions Steph did.

Steph here, utilizing magical log in power to post reactions as some things Tass said deserve a comment from the peanut gallery.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Bought a house and a car. On my own. With a little help from my mom, of course. Is what moms are for. I'd say I've been aiming low since I usually ask mine to buy expensive sweaters but she did offer to help pay for therapy when I was having some 38hr long anxiety attack from hell over Christmas...

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I never make resolutions. I was asked to make one today, but I don't think I can agree to it anymore than I can make them for myself. So...

3. Did anyone close to you have a child?  Close to me, as in very close friends for whom I care a lot? Nope. People at work did. And people I know online.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  My uncle, suddenly, in August. And my mom's BFF last week. THAT one wasn't good.

5. Where did you travel?  Michigan, Ohio, Virginia. Not very exciting, I know. Shoots are always exciting when they involve shadow puppets.  C'mon now.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?  Comfort.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory? Mid-November was a stand-out time for me. Perhaps someday I'll even post about why.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  The house? The car? Starting my first grown-up job? Nope, it was achieving the flat iron/JCrew blazer/lip gloss trifecta

9. What was your biggest failure?  They were so numerous I'd rather not think about them. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  Hello Right Before Christmas Flu. Go fuck yourself.

11. What was the best thing you bought?  Car. House. Car. House. Car. House. I CANNOT DECIDE. Flatiron

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  Certainly not mine.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  My exhusband. Way to delete our family photos without giving me a chance to back them up, asshat.

14. Where did most of your money go?  House. Car. Blazer!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  House. Car.  Your new superhero status as the Hispanic Kate Goesslin.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?  "Love Will Tear Us Apart Again" by Joy Division

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer?  Happier, thinner (I think...I haven't been keeping track, but my pants are loose), poorer (but in a good way)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  Knitting

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?  Complaining.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?  In Michigan with my folks.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?  .........

22. What was your favorite TV program?  I watched every episode of Buffy and Angel. I come to the TV parties late, what with not owning one...Although Steph is right, Glee is pretty fantastic. Damn straight it is :) (didn't you do WW too?)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?  No.

24. What was the best book you read?  If I say Twilight will you hate me? It was certainly the most fun thing I read. I'll post tomorrow about everything I read this year, and see if anything pops out at me as The Best Book. (Of course, I reread Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is the Best Book of All Time, but that doesn't count.) My influence - I love it.  {Maniacal laughter}

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  Band of Horses. I already knew who they were, but this year cemented a new love affair.

26. What did you want and get?  A house. A car.

28. What did you want and not get?  Lots and lots of things.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?  I don't think I saw a new movie this year.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  I turned 31 the week I was in Michigan for my uncle's funeral. I went out the night before and got HAMMERED at the bar with people I loved, and then had dinner with my parents on my actual Bday. And I do believe Steph was there. I was indeed and it was quite the night

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  So many things...

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?  I got a new haircut. And style. Like, that requires styling. This is a new thing for me, so I'm running with it. Otherwise, I'm still a jeans and shirt kinda girl. Don't see that changing any time soon. It's even what I wear with that ridiculously overpriced jacket from JCrew that I bought. Who ever would've thought that you would own and use a flat iron before me?  (Except I was using mom's over Christmas and may have to get my own..)

33. What kept you sane?  Talking to Steph via Gchat almost every day. And vodka. Aw, thanks.  I feel like the Grinch after the Whoville sing-a-long

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  Edward. Just because. He's mine!

35. What political issue stirred you the most?  I hate tea baggers with a fiery passion.

36. Who did you miss?  My Courtney. I get to talk to Steph all the time, or she'd be right up there too. You know what would make Baltimore the most perfect city on the planet? If Steph and Courtney lived here too.

37. Who was the best new person you met?  Ahem.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.  It is what it is. Bah, I say!  Look at Love Actually - happiness all around :)

(Someday I'll actually convince myself of that, and stop holding out hope.) 

Ranty rant rant vent

Last Wednesday, when I was driving out to NJ, I stopped at a rest area to get gas and some food and got Panera mac and cheese and some coffee with half and half.  About an hour after I ate, the back of my tongue and my throat felt really heavy like there was a weight on them.  Feeling more than a bit disconcerted, I kept driving and by the time I got to Harrisburg, the feeling went away.   

Every time I would eat anything for the rest of the weekend, though, I would feel the same feeling - never as severe as Wednesday night but still definitely present and more than a little unsettling.  (Thinking I might suddenly asphyxiate or go into anaphylatic shock does not make for the most relaxing of weekends, ya know?)   So my head goes to food allergy - maybe I'm reacting to the dairy? the wheat?  I know adult onset allergies are rare but my cousin developed a severe shellfish allergy a couple years ago so it's not out of the realm of possibility.  My symptoms weren't getting worse, but they weren't getting better so I decided to go see the doctor.  

(Now, thanks to my new healthcare, my insurance doesn't begin paying for anything until I reach my deductible which is several thousand, so anytime I go to the doctor, I'm paying the full amount, out of pocket.  I'm incredibly thankful I even have healthcare but...ugh.)

Because I've seen enough episodes of House/ER/Grey's to know that because patient of the week doesn't disclose some seemingly unrelated medical ailment that's why they end up dead I thought it might be a good idea to write up a list of ailments and woe for the doctor. I didn't write volume, I didn't have specific dates and times but I took 20 minutes and listed out any information that I thought could be relevant.  Food poisoning in August, low grade fever in October and I threw in a couple of mental woes as well since this could all be panic/anxiety related and given the wedding/affair/general yuck of the last 18 months, I thought she should be aware.  

The nurse takes my vitals, I give her my list and she says the doctor will be right in.  While I'm waiting for the doc, the left side of my tongue goes numb and starts to tingle.  Why, hello, new symptom.  I was actually a bit relieved because if something new was happening, I was glad I was at the doctors office. (Had peanut butter and crackers for lunch, peanut allergy?).  The doctor walks in, hands my list back to me and says this kind of obsessive journaling signals to me severe anxiety.  

My first reaction was a bit of relief - maybe my throat won't close up after all.  Second reaction though - I don't have the medical knowledge, I've just spent 5 minutes reading through the new patient/doctor share plan for wellness and the doctor/patient sharing of information and that's what I'm trying to do.  I said well, I didn't know what would be applicable so I wanted to give you full information and she looks at me and says, well, what do you want me to do for you during this 10 minute slot?  What can you do for me?!  Well, I don't know DOCTOR, that's what you're here to tell me.  All I know is my throat feels like it might close up and then I won't be able to breathe and that would be bad and perhaps you might help me figure out what's going on because it's scary as hell and I would appreciate a bit less asshatness, ok thanks.

After the move last year, I'm about a half hour drive from the doctor's office and have always felt like she was worth the trip because she listened, always made me feel like her priority was her patients, but yeah.  Way over the line, lady.  

As I'm trying to pick my jaw off the floor, she looks in my mouth for about 10 seconds, essentially ignores the fact that I'm telling her my tongue is numb and tingling and this is new and omg help and she tells me to go to the ENT and then follow up with her a week after.  Let me get this straight - I just spent $300 for you to give me the blow off and refer me to a specialist 'because they can get a better view' and charge me probably $500 and then come back and see you at a cost of another $300 to talk about what to do next?  I'm...not ok with that.  I called the ENT to make my appointment and the receptionist could not have been more annoyed that I had the audacity to call her.  When she answered I told her I was being referred by my doctor for throat issues and needed to make an appointment and she huffs out oh, hold on and just pushed me over the edge.

I made it to the car before I burst into hysterical sobs.  

(It's rather rare for me to lose it like this, I much prefer to cry at movies.  Last time I had this reaction was the day I found out about the affair, time before that was when the wedding was called off, time before that was when we had to put my dog to sleep and now we're back to 2006.)

I got back to work, pulled myself together, walked in and the office manager says wow, you look terrible and just so you know, you have for awhile.  Uh, ok. 

Before I went to the appointment, my boss was telling me how her daughter had similar symptoms and they thought it was stress related.  D has panic attacks and says he gets the same thing.  I am 99.7% percent sure that what's going on is not ENT related, maybe food allergy, most likely freaking out about life and I really just need a massage.  

Today, my throat felt fine, though I did have a strange metallic taste in my mouth, had some crackers and an apple for lunch and around 3pm felt really warm and noticed I was getting what I guess was heat rash on my chest and my right cheek/side of my neck was all flushed and red.  Strange.  Went away after an hour or so and I had a sandwich for dinner and feel fine.  

My ENT appointment isn't until next Thursday and depending on how I feel next week, I'm tempted to cancel it.  Gah. 

My Haircut

I recently got a new haircut and style. The bangs are rather flat, and off to one side.  The back is a little spiky.

Lemme guess? You think it looks like this:

(From this site...)

I prefer to think I look like Thom Yorke. From Radiohead.

What, you never realized he and Kate Gosselin had the same haircut?

But I seriously prefer this Mark Ronson cover of Radiohead's "Just" to the original.