Utils in Bat Country

Bizarre

Its bizarre in and of itself that Im writing this on my iPad sitting in the middle of the mall with the Capitol on my left and the wash monument on my right on a gorgeous sunny day. The move went fine, I suppose. So much less than I needed to fit in the car actually fit in the car, saying goodbye to puppy wrenched my lungs out of my body but I expected that. Arrived in bmore, got unloaded, saw my train tickets were missing, flopped into the couch, pulled it together and ran some errands. Got back from the grocery store around 9pm, unloaded, dad had the keys, I thought he locked it, he thought he did but we came out 20 min later to drive the station route and I opened the door and saw all the papers from my glove compartment piled neatly on the drivers seat. The box door had been wedged so I figured dad did it but then he looked confused and it took our (in defense, exhausted) brains awhile to process that neither one of us had done it. Can it really be considered a break in if the car was unlocked? Funny enough, I don't think anything was taken. My ezpass was still there, same with sunglasses, CDs, and car charger. A very polite vagabond? Welcome to the neighborhood hazing? Likely someone just looking for money for drugs and trying to move quickly but eesh. I can't even get 12 hours to try to feel comfortable in the big, bad world? What made me feel better was I was relaying the situation to my aunt because come on now, that's pretty ridiculous and she said the same thing happened to her car while it was sitting in her driveway. And she lives in a pretty affluent suburb. So it's not just me in my new neighborhood. Organized (ha, because they shuffled my papers) crime, indeed.

An odd goodbye

In most moves there's the deliberation of do I actually want to pack, move, and unpack this with each of one's belongings.

I had gone through all my clothes but had forgotten that I had some things in the upstairs closet.  Went up there and happened upon my wedding dress.  Huh. I'm not going to use it, I don't really want to keep it, but I feel bad about throwing it away.  So I'll try and sell it.  I had listed it a few months ago but didn't get any hits and forgot about it.  Lowered the price in a flurry of everything else and forgot about that.  Got an email last week inquiring about it and was able to sell it.  For 2/3 less than it cost.  Ouch.  But something's pretty than total loss so into a box it went.

I've been pretty divorced (ha) from the idea of that wedding for years but it was still a pull of nostalgia for what could have been.  But like my stools, hopefully the dress is off to a good life where it will be worn and photographed and exclaimed over. 

I mean, it's a wedding dress, if clothes were sentient, I imagine it and a tutu would be two of the things most sad to never be worn.

This is it

Would that I had a Michael Jackson soundtrack as I spin round but no.  This is it - my last day at work.

(Ish. Am totally cheating and coming in Monday to drop off my keys in case anything happens over the weekend and I need access to a computer/printer/fax and it puts off the finality for a few more hours)

Dad arrives Monday, while I'd do the drive in one day, he's talking about stopping halfway so we might - gulp - leave Monday.  Arrive Tuesday, test run Wednesday, grocery store and cable guy Thursday, he leaves Friday, I spend the weekend rocking in a ball in the corner muttering what ifs.

Breathe

First a HA, then a HIYA

On my list of things to freak out about, is being single in the big, bad city.  I'm relatively competent but still. Lucky for me, my boss is a black belt in karate and has taken many a self defense class so I went over to her house after work so she could show me the basics.

Which is good for me as all my self defense training has been what I've gleaned from Miss Congeniality and the episode of Designing Women where Mary Jo gets mugged.

We went through the initial talking part: walk with an air of confidence, don't look at a map on the subway or the street, walk to your car with your keys in your hand, if one side of the street is lit and the other is dark, walk on the lit side, etc.  Things I mostly already knew and practiced but always good to go over.

Then we got to yell.  Fun for this Italian!  The idea that your voice is one of your most powerful tools, most of the time yelling "NO" or "Don't touch me" causes people to back off but man is it hard to put into practice.  With the societal conditioning of not causing a scene or wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt and general deer in headlights syndrome, I, and I think a lot of people, tend to freeze up and feel like the vocal chords lock and (in my nightmares) I try to scream but all that comes out is a faint wisp of sound like Raj when Penny walks in the room.

But, in the comfort of T's basement, it was more like I was yelling at the dog and I bellowed away.

She showed me a couple of release moves if someone grabs my arm - twist your hand up and down on their wrist, which was great.  She's strong and was trying to hold onto me and I was able to break her hold each time.  Then my rom com leanings came in handy because as it turns out, Miss Congeniality is actually quite good at imparting the basic self defense tactics.  I do remember how to sing.  I got a second hand jab to add to my heel of wrist into nose move - purse fingers together and go for the eye/orbital bone area.

Then I actually got a surprised nod of approval when I threw an elbow.  Yay me!

Where she was great is that she always had an answer - I feel like sometimes people scoff or couch things (ie, well, what if two people grab me and knock me down, off the cuff answer might be well, then you're just stuck but she was always like nope, this is what you do, these are your options).  It's a scary thing to think about - I imagine most people have been in situations where they felt uncomfortable and I hate that my natural instinct is to freeze.  It's like my body and brain shut down while trying to parse out the unknown, potentially dangerous variable and I want to get it to the point where my reaction is almost muscle memory and involuntary then having to snap my brain into action and remember ok, drop your knees, back with the elbow.  And it does make me shudder to think that those few seconds of frozen silence could severely limit my options - sitting in my office now, I know to ignore them when they say I'll kill you if you scream but if the situation was actually happening?  Would I be so frozen that I let myself get dragged off away from people/help?

Hopefully I'll never need any of this for more than a hey, look what I can do party trick, but knowledge is power.

Time to go see if I can convince the office manager to practice wrist holds.

Trading Up

Since this move is largely just take whatever can fit in my car, have been listing some furniture on Craigslist.  One of the items I listed were 3 stools I bought at Target years ago.

Simple, good condition, no problems.  Got an offer, the guy was getting them for his son. Son came over and looked at them for a few seconds, with a slightly alarming amount of enthusiasm. I was helping to load them up and we were chatting and he starts telling me about how the stools are going to be used at his lake house and will fit perfectly under the window overlooking the water.

Not only is it hilarious that the guy felt the need to assure me that he would give the stools a good home but my stools are moving up in the world. Off to live the good life, full of breezes and warming sunshine.  They certainly wouldn't be getting lake house views from me anytime soon.

Bonne chance, Target stools!

(Not gonna lie, both Tilly and I looked on enviously as the stools drove away.)

Perspectives

Like a good little analyst, when I'm faced with a situation I don't understand, I seek out people with knowledge in order to educate myself.  [Ed: It sounds so not crazy when I type it out this way.]

Since I have extremely limited knowledge about my upcoming life, have been seeking out people with inside information to try and soothe myself a bit.  And like all annoying data, my information bounces around the it'll be ok, it's not ok spectrum, taking my mood with it.

Yesterday, for example.

Plan a tentative commuting plan, with other potential options both using and not using my car.  Good!  Three hours later, am reviewing ticketing website and suddenly not sure if the monthly pass is only good for whatever option I choose so I'm locked in.  Another phone call to make.

Or.

11am - gchat with Tass. It'll be ok, it'll sort itself out, you'll be fine. I'll be fine.

8pm - call with my aunt and uncles friend who lives in Northern VA but works in DC.  It'll be rough, here's the thing about the transit, and the taxes, and the rent and huh. I guess you'll make it work. Not fine! NOT FINE!

If only those two conversations had been flipped, I wouldn't have lain awake again till after 4am (though the sheriff showing up at my next door neighbors at 130 didn't help). 

But, it'll be ok.  I'll just keep talking to people and looking for information in order to make my perspective fit with what I need.

And there's always aunt and uncles basement, should the world truly cave in.

Balls Eggs Breathe Fear Do Go Panic

You know what's an excellent idea for this here Util?  The one who loves logic and routine and parking lots?

Make major changes to every possible area of life (except my hair, because I do have my limits).

Fingers crossed nothing unexpected happens, this month will find me:

In a new job

In a new city

Working in a different new city

Longer hours

Unfamiliar roads

Near total absence of parking lots

Leaving most everything I own and just moving what I can fit in my car (mostly)

Leaving Tilly and Giotto (pretty sure Bella is coming with me)

Nearest family an hour away

Knowing one person

Having a non romantic roommate [it's my illustrious and absent co-author!  Am pretty tickled about this even though I think she's about to block my phone number]

New bank accounts (my current bank is in the Midwest only)

With the same salary and a twice as expensive cost of living.  But more future opportunity.

New passport (had to call to figure out how to get in renewed by being mailed from one address but sent to another)

Dealing with car registration, windshields, inspections, batteries, insurance, licenses

Did I mention the commuting?  I haven't even begun to panic about the job because I am near catatonic just trying to figure out the commute.

Am barely holding it together.  Grasping at straws in a sea of I can't do this by myself. I hear myself start to spiral when I'm talking to people and I'm so beyond myself that I can recognize it but I can't stop it and it's just a 20 minute babble of my to do list and no sense or logic and I finally smash through the haze long enough to stammer out an I'm so sorry, I know what I'm doing and how annoying this is but I can't help it before hanging up and whimpering into Tilly.

There are beams of solace.  A random tweet with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You must do the things you think you cannot do"  A blog entry with a comment about it's ok to be juggling everything and some things drop so long as it's a ball that drops and not an egg.  Focus on the eggs.  One day at a time. Just keep breathing.

How will I get to the post office? The DMV? Wait for the cable guy? Go to the doctor?

I'm exhausted from staying up worrying so I drift off on the couch before 10 while watching reruns of the Big Bang Theory, wake up cold, go to bed and lie awake till 3am whirling.  Then I'm so tired the next day I fall asleep on the couch again and lie awake half the night.

What if the mild winter ends before Spring and there's a blizzard when I'm moving or trying to learn the commute?

Things are falling into place, which, oddly, makes things almost worse.  It can't be this easy.  Something bad is going to happen.

While I'm still here, am seeing how people are there for me.  D is home more during the day to deal with the uship guy.  When he was gone yesterday and there was a minor crisis about the bid price being driveway to driveway only and I was gasping at my desk because I can't move the dresser and tabletop on my own, I was able to frantically text T who said he'd be able to come over and help me.  And D is there now, waiting for the guy, because I'm at work and he can load the things so I don't have to pay extra.  [If you happen to be reading Tass I gave him extra $ for the unloading in Bmore]  What am I going to do without them?

How am I going to be able to afford a place of my own? How am I going to be able to even go look at a place with no time off?

The logistics will work out. I have rational people who are still talking to me who help me focus on the ok things.  Ex: it is going to cost a significant amount of money to park at the train station where there's a lot so I called the MTA and the very helpful woman was giving me ways of taking various bus transfers with stops that involve walking through parking lots to navigate.  Me? OMFG NO.  Rational coworker?  Sounds would be much more worth it to pay to park but this way you know if your car doesn't start or something, you still could get to work.  Yes. Good.

What if I hate the urban environment? What if I get attacked?

I can do this.  I have done this.  Sure, I was with D when I moved to Hbg but he was in school in Florida at the time and I lived by myself and it was good.  (Except I walked to work and had a parking garage)  The commute will sort itself out after doing it for a couple of weeks. The federal government accepted my tax return so I have some money as a cushion. It's fine to be scared. I can still do this.

I'm petrified.

Shout Out to Mom

I was talking to my parents on Wednesday and Dad asked if I liked the berries and I said yes, of course, thanks again and Mom said, 'Hey, what about me?!'  Apparently, the berries were supposed to be from both of them and so Dad thinks the 'and Mom' part of the signature card got lost in the online order shuffle. 

Mmmmhmmm. 

Thus, time for a nice story about Mom. 

(Not that they know about this blog and if they ever found it, I'd probably go in and delete every entry where I ever talked about feelings...I should make a category for that).

Regardless!

January 2006, I was 24 and had to drive from my parent's house in TX to my brand new first non grad assistant big girl job in Harrisburg, PA.  The day before I left as I trying to cram a bedspread wrapped set of dinner plates behind the drivers seat Mom drives up from work and runs over and yells asks 'What do you mean you're driving to Harrisburg by yourself, tomorrow!!!'.  She thought Dad was going to drive with me, he was leaving for a business trip, etc etc I'll be fine by myself.  Mom - apparently very theatrically she told me later - found this out while still at work and launched herself into her boss' office (who is also a good family friend) and announced that she couldn't let her baby drive off by herself.  Which, fine.  (Maybe I can get Mom to pay for all the gas!)  (Bad Steph).

We leave the next day and as we head out of Houston Mom pulls out the first (at that time only) Carrie Underwood CD and says she bought it because she thought it would be a good car CD.  I don't listen to much country music but I actually really like that particular CD.  And since half the time we couldn't get radio reception and my CDs were all packed away (and this was before the dawn of the MP3), we listened to it probably 20 times over the course of 2 days so we both knew all the words.  Both still know all the words, I'm sure.  And will forever.  And ever.

Oh! I must return to this sometime and describe the adventures in LA and AL where I may have hallucinated but hand-to-God, I saw a boy walking down the side of the road in pale cut off overalls with a pole handkerchief carrier thing.

We get to Harrisburg and I have to drive Mom to the airport to take her flight back to Houston and I'm about to become the girl alone in the big city.  Ha. Harrisburg isn't exactly NYC.  But my mattress wasn't going to arrive till a few days after I did so I was sleeping in a nest of blankets on the floor my first week of work, so I was feeling extra pathetic.  Now, for as much as I am not a crier/emotional hello goodbye kinda girl Mom absolutely is.  So she was sniffling even before I turned the car on. 

We drive to the airport, Carrie in the background, Mom's got tears streaming down her face at Departures and I was blinking awfully fast.  I was trying to sort of quickly get back in the car and leave since I could feel I was about 10 seconds away from losing it.  We say goodbye and I mumble thanks and and as I get back in and drive away the 'Don't Forget to Remember Me' song comes on.  The one that has the girl leaving home and Mom puts $50 in the ashtray for gas...yeah.  So here I am, 12 hours from starting my job, still trying to navigate a new city (and park, oh my god) and I'm wiping away tears of my own.

I will still always tease her because she admitted once she got in the airport she had to sit down for awhile and cry before she could check in and will never admit that I cried on my way back to the apt but I'll always appreciate what she did.

And I still always have to blink fast whenever that song comes on the radio. 

I...Shoulda Known Better...

Grumble. Seriously.

Today has been a roller coaster of up and down, with regards to money and, you know, THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

This morning I had to turn over a rather sizeable (for me) check to my realtor, for earnest money on the house. I wrote this check weeks ago, so it's nothing I wasn't ready for. But to actually give him the check is to say bye-bye to a large wad of cash. Bye monies!

Then, I did two relatively easy things. First I called BGE, which is Baltimore gas and electric. And, after sitting on hold for a half hour, walked quickly and easily through the process of setting up utilities for the house. Thus, there will be lights and heat when I close next Tuesday. Yay. Then, onto water, which I finally figured out how to contact. Called, sat on hold, only to be told that 1) there is a credit on the account already and 2) just send them a letter when I move in, and water will be switched to your name, thank you very much. OK. So far, so good. And last night, with virtually no fuss, I moved my internet account to the new house. And it will be ready next Friday, which was probably the first time I'd be staying up there anyway. Perfect.

Now, we move on to everyone's favorite subject: STUDENT FUCKING LOANS. Ahh yes. And I log into Sallie Mae's website, to ask for extended payments, so that, you know, I can EAT every month. And see that my loans are claiming to be 21 days past due. WTF says I. I paid last month, when I was supposed to. And so I call. And I get more than frustrated when they finally call me back, and I get some woman who keeps talking to me like I'm an idiot. Yes, I can see you have no record of my payment, Idiot Woman, or I wouldn't be calling. So, let's take those late fees off my account, shall we? What? You need a letter to do that? Fine, I'll get one right out to you. In the meantime, you can kiss my ass for your late fees.

And then there's my landlord. Oh good god. What problems haven't I had with this person in the last few weeks? This person who told me carpet cleaning was a "maintenance issue". Whatever. I explained last week, via email, that Tuesday was OFF LIMITS for anything going on at the house which required me to deal with the dogs. I'll be moving that day, closing, moving stuff, and whatnot. So what does the email today say? That Tuesday is the "only" day the appraisal can be done. Is 8am OK? ALSO, Monday is the inspection, the inspector will need to be in the apartment for an hour...at 10am. You know, when I'm just louging around the house in my robe, getting ready for my stories to come on. Or. At work. Like normal people.

I have yet to write back. Because I'm not happy about all this. Not to mention the idea of paying November rent when I won't be living there, and when the new buyers want the place to convey empty. So I'm more than a little grumbly about all this.

I need to figure all this out. And then just keep looking forward. One more week. One more week. One more week.

Moving, Wha?

I close on my house on the 20th (how many times can one say "on" in a sentence?) Thus, one would think the smart thing to do would be to spend a three-day weekend packing, and then spend the weekend before closing packing some more.

And you would be wrong, my friends. Very very very wrong. The proper way to handle the ZOMGIMMOVINGINTWOWEEKS thing is to do...nothing. And knit. Yes, this will prove great in the long run.

Furthermore, the weekend before your Tuesday closing date, you should, without a doubt, go camping. AT LEAST four hours away from your current- or even your soon-to-be- home. In fact, it's best if you go at least 10 hours away. Like from DC to almost Dayton, Ohio. THAT'S brains, folks. Smart smart smart. And so, because it is the smart thing to do, it is what I shall do. Because I belong to this crazy Civil War thing (Oh, that is, in and of itself, it own blog post for the winter months), and our last get-together of the year (we call them "shoots") is this weekend. And I cannot be left out of this. I cannot stay home and pack and plan to move, when I know that 100 of my closest friends will be outside of Dayton, camping in 40 degree weather, and shooting guns. I MUST GO. I MUST BE A PART OF THE GROUP. I MUST SEE MY PEOPLE. I MUST SHOOT MY MUSKET ONE MORE TIME THIS FALL. I MUST CAMP WHEN THERE WILL BE FROST ON THE GROUND. YES.

Anyway.

The other thing I did this weekend, other than nothing and watching a good portion of season two of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (again) along with a good number of football games on Saturday (do not EVEN talk to me about the ridiculousness that is pulling your starting QB out of the game for the final drive, wherein you COULD have won the game, but instead putting in the backup who them throws an interception almost immediately and ends the game and ZOMG GAH), was (where was I going when this sentence started?) KNIT. OH YES. THE KNITTING.

See, I knit. Sometimes. Except that I got part way through two projects that required changing color in the middle of a row (commonly called intarsia, except whenever I say that to knitters, half of them look at me like I'm insane and don't know what I'm talking about. Except every book in the known universe uses that word. But, I digress. Again.)

Anyway. I came to a point wherein I could not knit on either project because I could NOT figure this fucking intarsia thing out. I watched the little videos online, and I read how to do it online, and in a couple of books, and ZOMG CANNOT DO. And then, I opened my Stitch and Bitch Nation to the back, where there are little directions written out, as well as kind of crummy illustrations. And I READ how to do it, ignoring the pictures completely. And lo, there was a color change mid-row and no gaping hole of horribleness. And lo, again, switching from color to color came with ease. AND LOOK, the design I was hoping for was magically appearing on the piece I was knitting. And thus, a project I started back in the winter was finally coming to a close. I did not finish it last night, but once I've packed some boxes tonight (hush, mom, I'm really going to fo it!), I shall power through a few more rows at the least. It's a tea pot cozy, and it shall be amazing. Pictures will be posted when I'm done. And then I can pick back up that sweater I was working on last year, and finish it as well. It won't look great, I already know that based on a couple of holes I can already see (hello, weaving in ends to mask gaps in my knitting), but it sure did feel good to get back to the knitting. I have more yarn to work through before I can allow myself to purchase any more, so it looks like I'll be learning how to make socks next...

Oh, yeah. And moving. Next week. Hiding my head in the sand about that, until the last possible moment.