Utils in Bat Country

Economist-ed

(Not quite as easy to bam out as Marshall's 'Lawyered' but I'll manage)

At the train station this morning before the sun had properly risen:

J: Engagement rings have no value - it's a small piece of rock that marketing and society have decided are the only way to quantify worthiness.  They're essentially pointless.

[Ed: We like to razz on each other and since I'm a sap and we just got back from my cousin's wedding, he figured this would be an easy win, nothing more implied, no one get excited or go calling my mom about my impending nuptials]

S: Insurance companies place plenty of value on them.

J: ...Dammit.

S: Economisted!

I might have to drop the type person

I think of myself as an adult-type person.  I say type person since my mental image of an adult is what the grown ups looked like when I was 15 and babysitting.  So - mid 30s, house, fenced yard, spouse, kids, job, dog, accountant.  

And since I possess few of those things and certainly don't feel like I remember the adults being, am still a adult type person.

Over the weekend, J and I drove up to NJ for my cousins 8th grade play and have dinner with the fam. Since the shows were spread out over the weekend, my aunt and uncle asked if we'd bring her and her friend back to the farm between the matinee and evening shows.  No problem.  We get to the matinee, snark about the kids in the program (see: not fully adult), enjoy the show, have a this is your future moment of crisis thinking of spending Sat afternoon at a middle school play surrounded by parents/grandparents/bored siblings.  Show is over and we get my cousin and her friend and head back to the farm.  In the car, asked the occasional how was the show question but they were involved in a discussion about the wrap party at a diner that night and then it hit me. 

To them I'm the annoying mom type person driving carpool.  Fitting that the performance was the Little Mermaid as my mental self immediately shriveled up into one of Ursula's 'helped' merpeople, wailing.

Farewell, type-person.  I guess I'm an adult.

[Of course, not even 24 hours later when I had sort of started eyeing the idea of adulthood w/ not an entirely horrified attitude since maybe life is starting to become adult in most areas, am totally caught off guard in the middle of the mall and spent the rest of the weekend spazzing. Never leave me, type person moniker.]

Compliments

I do that annoying girl thing where compliments from other women are more meaningful/valid/hard-earned than compliments from guys.  Well, I suppose it's about half that and half compliments from people who know and love me are less meaningful/valid/hard-earned than those from strangers on the street.

I'm not particularly wordy, neither is J but he knows I think he looks very nice and vice-versa.  A thumbs up/thumbs down when either one of us comes out of a dressing room is sufficient.

Friday night when we were chatting about our week and he relayed a (what I'm sure he thought would be) random aside about the grocery store.  He goes shopping at the same time every week so he's familiar with most of the employees and they him.  I happened to be with him one night so the woman working the deli counter saw me.  Then the next week as he was getting cold cuts and cheese for sandwiches, she told him 'your girlfriend is beautiful'.

I danced around about it all weekend and I'm sure he was a bit perplexed why the woman at the deli counter thinking I'm beautiful would inspire such cloud nine levels of glee and while I recognize that it's perhaps a smidge odd, I also recognize that it's just how it is.

Your girlfriend is beautiful.

Oh thank you, woman at the deli counter.  You are awesomesauce.

One year and still driving in circles

It's been a year.

A good year, overall.  Definitely not perfect but more laughter than tears and more smiles than sighs so not going to push my luck.

But while I may be doing reasonably well at this forward growth gambit, I'm still me, so there's a story about me being logistically inept for my anniversary.

Since Tass being in Bmore was the reason I decided to live here instead of closer to DC, which turned out to be a very good thing, it made sense that she and I celebrate together, at the diner.  As with most major cities Bmore has a loop and several major highways feed into it.  I take 695 to the train station some mornings and see the signs for 95.  I've driven back from Tass' before via the highway and it's 95 to 695.  So when I headed out Sunday, I took 695 to meet up with 95.  Couple exits later, right at my destination, easy peasy.  I'm driving down the road, singing along to my music and notice that the signs say that Baltimore is NORTH on 95.  That... shouldn't be what I want to do....  Hmm.  GPS was on the floor of the passenger seat, too far for me to reach and neither of the iphone map apps I have would have been up and running quickly enough.  Figured I should heed the sign and head North.  Luckily, my ez pass was in the car so one $4 trip through the tunnel and some muttering about highway maps, I arrived.

So yes. I went the wrong way around the loop.  

Never change, self. 

Windswept

It's been blustery, here, lately.  Fitting since my mind is in much the same maelstrom.

I know - when isn't my mind a never ending ping pong match of varying degrees of nonsense?  

Generally, when angst and restlessness hits, I can pinpoint it to some ongoing life drama that needs to be evaluated and adjusted. This year, though.  It's...different.  There's really nothing.  Sure, there are some areas of life that are moving along, a couple in the direction I'd like at that, but as far as big life adjustments... nope. Of course, since my brain is still my brain, it's likely as anything that the absence of a life dramz is causing me to grapple around for something that needs to be analyzed and adjusted because if nothing wrong then something, somewhere, is or is about to be wrong and I must uncover it.  

(You would think my favorite book as a child would have been of the sky is falling variety but nope, my 5 yr old heart belonged to The Velveteen Rabbit.)

Perhaps it's the lack of anticipated change that's the source of current ruminations.  Previously, whenever there were problems, it was soothing to look at future change or potential changes that would smooth out the issue.  I'm wary about being settled.  Because how do you know if you're settled or settling?  I like my job, have plans to stay at my job for the foreseeable future (pension vested in 2015, baby!), and aside from the aforementioned and oft whined about commute, have relatively few complaints. In fact, my current place of employment was the pinnacle of my previous 5 yr career plan.  But is it settled or settling to not have a new 5 year plan?    Same with family, relationships, friends, pairs of shoes in my closet.  Happily even keeled or complacement staidness?

It's probably why I have chosen the most random of things to fixate on of late.  For instance, a few weeks ago I lost my mind over a doorknob.  Having rented since moving out of the dorms, I haven't had the opportunity to do much in the way of home decorating, contrary to what my pinterest boards and google reader reveal (I love you Smeg fridges and striped walls!).  Sure, nothing's been completely how I want it but it's not the next 30 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars so, whatevs.  Then one of the bathroom doorknobs at J's broke and since he owns his place, he'd have to replace it.  I immediately started talking about how wonderful fun doorknobs are and I think partly out of amusement to see just how far I'd go and partly to get me to stop showing him pictures of doors on the Internet, he was all if you want to buy it, pick out whatever you want.  Oh, happy day!  Off I skipped to Anthropologie to pick up a cheeky bit of fun.  Got it back, started installing, and woe, it won't fit a standard size door.  Trudged off to Lowe's and while I didn't actually throw a tantrum in the middle of the aisle, I did stamp my foot and huff off to the paint section because who wants a stupid old ugly doorknob is stupid and ugly.  [It's actually not, J picked out a very nice alternative and it fits the room well and I am just a toddler when thwarted]. While there's nothing wrong with preferring a more enjoyable option, it was a bit existential to become so attached to my ideal that anything less than my ultimate chosen fixture is completely unworkable EVER.  Settled vs settling.  

(I recognize that I'm ascribing way too much import to a doorknob but I'm now also being stubborn about it and I will one day have the exact knobs I want and no stupid door or annoyingly random sized fixtures Anthropologie will deter me*cue Scarlett O'Hara dramatics*)

It's frustrating difficult to articulate - not that I haven't already spent 600 words yammering on - it's like I've been waiting and dealing with 'less than' because of the idea/goal that in the future when it's mine, I'll be able to get it precisely how I want.  I know, haaaa. When that doesn't happen, even for legitimate reasons, it's like the world has gone out of its way to make things unworkable and I have to flail around rueing the indignity of it all before I can respond like a mature adult and deal. [This applies to many things other than a door knob, obviously.  Doorknob = metaphor for actual important rest of life goings on, I haven't become entirely vapid and void of perspective]  

So, am stumped. There's really nothing major enough that I want to change where it'd be a reset to the system.  I mean, there are changes I should make, like not eating a box of macaroni and cheese for dinner but let's be realistic.  There's only so many cans of vegetable soup when it's 28 degrees out that you can eat before something snaps.  

Maybe I should take up puzzles, start having dramatics about 500 pieces that all look like the sky... 

[Odds are it's likely that I'm just having the same end of winter cabin fever as the rest of the Northern hemisphere and come April and 70 degree weather I'll be all la la la, lemonade, weee!]

Reverb 12 - Talent

December 27: Hidden talent:  Do you have a hidden talent?  Dazzle us.

I'm inordinately amusing when I'm mad.

[A very if I do say so myself talent but multiple people across a spectrum of ages/personalities keep telling me so it must be true so sure]

I imagine it developed as a defense mechanism, a way of saying hey, I'm really mad/upset about this and this is the only way I can tell you my feelings while remaining not too vulnerable type thing.

And while I should be better about just saying my feelings straight out because they're my feelings and I'm allowed to have them and people I care about who care about me should be willing to hear them cloaked in jokes or otherwise, at this point it's such a ingrained part of my nature that it takes a monstrous wrong doing for me to not inject my rage with a joke.  Yes, back half of 2008, I remember you well, go away now.

Even if I start off just plain upset, usually by the end of a discussion/argument, have found something about the situation to be laughable.  It's handy.  It diffuses the situation enough to actually let out a breath and say hey, sorry about that, I suck sometimes or give the other person the same space to be able to say it to me.

Oh, you backed into my car with a loaded paint ball gun?  Knock, knock. Who's there? Owl. Owl who? Owl get you for this, you nefarious wretch!

Reverb - A Day

December 26: Typical day:  Describe a typical day in your life.  What do you think would surprise most people about your ordinary day?  How do you cherish and appreciate the everyday?

During the week:

5:52 - alarm

5:52:02 - alarm off

6:01 - alarm

6:01:02 - alarm off

6:01:03 to 6:16 - doze, enjoy being warm, if I'm really exhausted, fall back asleep nearly instantly

6:16 - alarm

6:16:01 - alarm off, gaze at ceiling

6:16 to 6:20 - out of bed, brush teeth, yell at scale, find socks

6:35 - out the door

6:35 to 7:05 - drive to the train station

7:05 to 7:12 - park, walk to the platform [never ending platform construction means I have a good 1/3 mile walk from my car to the platform]

7:13 to 7:55 - train to DC

7:55 to 8:00 - wait to exit train, walk through station and over to building, continually remark upon how we really all do look like rats entering and exiting, all staring blankly at phone screens or jostling for the doors

8:00 to 8:05 - go through security, up the stairs, sign in.

8:05 to 5:05 - numbers, spreadsheets, data, analysis, make that Masters work.

5:05 to 6:30 - commute in reverse.

6:31 - turn off car, think about how spending 4 hours a day commuting will eventually suck out my soul and ruin everything about my life from my posture to my ability to drive without road rage.

6:32 - suck it up because done for the day, yayyyyy, inside.

6:35 to 7:45 - work out.  Refuse to stop even though knees hurt because DVD is walking in the living room and there are grandparents on the screen with smiles, they will not win!

7:45 to 8 - figure out dinner.

8 to 9:30 - dinner, TV, catch up with people, reset brain

9:30 to 10:30 - shower, clothes for tomorrow, grab can of soup for lunch, make mental note to remember something that will invariably be forgotten by the next mornings departure time. [Like a bowl to actually eat the soup in, as I type this while eating crackers and walnuts for lunch.]

10:30 to 11 - fall asleep.

Most days I'm within these general ranges.  Of course there are the days when I'm still slack jawed at the TV at 11:25 and can't bring myself to get up because the bed is just so far away.

Weekends, however.

6ish - wake up, laugh at the idea of going to the gym.

8:00 - eat breakfast, relax with J.  Hands down the highlight of my week and why I deal with Friday nights of seeing him for all of 47 minutes before he falls asleep.  The thrilling dating lives of 30somethings!

9:30 to 5 - outside things!  No tiny numbers!  Daylight!  NO COMMUTING!!!!!

*Ordinarily I'm not quite so my commute is taking away my will for everything but am having a rough transition after the holidays.  Grumpypotomous, party of 1. 

Reverb - Appreciate

December 23: Appreciate:  For what did you find a new appreciation this year?

My friends.  It's always hard to move to a new place and leave existing relationships.  Things, of course, change and it's easy to lose touch with people that were previously close.  

Lucky me, I've been able to to maintain a handful of good, core friendships.  

It's hard to surprise to me.  But on this Christmas, with a special delivery, T&B not only managed to give me the gift of the year but they made me appreciate just how wonderful it is having good friends.

 

Reverb - Song

December 22: Song:  What has been your theme song this year?  Have there been several?  Make us a mix tape and tell us the meaning behind it.

It has never mattered to me whether it was Christmas or not.  I listen to Christmas music year round. It makes me happy.  Most particularly this song.  I've said since the first time I heard it that if I ever get married, regardless of when or where, I'm walking down the aisle to this song.  If my commute is rage inducing or work is particularly stressful, I put this (and the rock version) on a loop and the world gets better.

 

2012 in Review

Still reverbing along but it's time for the annual roundup first created by the ever awesome Linda.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?  Well. I've worked in pubic service before and I've moved before so does it count that I did them again?  I can't even say parallel parking because I'd technically done it twice before February.  Hmm.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  Oh, of course not. I will poach an egg in 2013!

3. Did anyone close to you have a child?  J had J in May and I finally got to squish him over Christmas.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  I don't think so.  

5. Where did you travel?  Jersey Shore (again! [hopefully always]), Houston, NJ multiple times, moved to Bmore, Winchester, Gettysburg, Philadelphia...I think that's everything.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?  New glasses

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory? I don't remember the day but getting the call in early Jan about the job. The week around Feb 27th. August 12th. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Progress in parallel parking.

9. What was your biggest failure?  Not finding someway to reconcile being active with the new commute/job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  Thank goodness, nothing major.

11. What was the best thing you bought?  If it helps my heating bill, the fusing to put along some of the door cracks.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  My head was at times beyond its usual level of spinning drama so I don't know if I'm more grateful to my existing family/friends who took it in stride or the new people in my life who enjoy me both in spite of and because of my brain.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  Red SUV jerkwad at the intersection.

14. Where did most of your money go?  Rent and subway sandwiches

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  My amazing present from T&B. A boy. The TSO concert.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?  Cheeseburger in Paradise

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer? Happier [so much], fatter [headdesk], hmmm definitely less liquid but overall richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  Done more situationally hard things (logistics, parking), exercised.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?  Complain. 

20. How did you spend Christmas? It was a delightful day at the parents.  Luckily, always has been, hopefully, always will be.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?  In addition to Wilson Bethel, even.

22. What was your favorite TV program?  New Girl

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?  Nope.

24. What was the best book you read?  Night Circus

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  That I still remember how to (barely) play Heart and Soul on the piano.

26. What did you want and get?  Job, apartment, super fantastic and really wonderful guy.

28. What did you want and not get?  This stupid purse that I should have just bought and will probably now stalk on Ebay for years because am a annoying combination of stubborn toddler and stubborn puppy.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I saw 3 movies in the theater and enjoyed none of them as much as watching Love, Actually. 

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  I turned 31.  Spent midnight hanging out with my friend N, had Italian cooked for me.  Was quiet but really nice and I felt happy in Bmore.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  A way to balance the commute with my personal responsibilities. [Piles of paper on the coffee table fling themselves under the couch, laughing]

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?  The train station is cold.

33. What kept you sane?  Anytime minutes and unlimited text

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  Wilson Bethel.  He still makes me swoony.  

35. What political issue stirred you the most?  I can't even

36. Who did you miss? Tilly

37. Who was the best new person you met?  My life is immeasurably better for having J in it and N&S are undeniably fantastic.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.  Never underestimate the benefit of food and conversation, whether weekly lunch or holiday tables or 10 mile coffee walks.